I’m still in love with him. Goddammit. It’s just the little things. Little texts out of the blue saying he’s proud of me. Him texting me at 2 a.m. full of happiness because he was behind the camera for breaking news. Him emailing me a random YouTube video of pugs doing silly things. Our Skype sessions where we haven’t spoken in months, but fall into our normal conversations within minutes.
I find myself comparing men I just meet to him still. I slept with a man a while back, and the next morning as I woke up in his bed, I couldn’t but thinking of Z. It wasn’t “Oh god, the shame!” It was more like, “I wonder what Z is up to today…” And then I felt guilty.
At least I think it’s love. I’m not holding my breath any longer though. I know that the chances of him and I getting back together – of us being truly together – are slim to none.
I just wish I knew how he truly feels – or even felt – about me. But guys never, ever talk about feelings like that.